absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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