Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
