she woke up with a sticky ear
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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