Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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