so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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