32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
