Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
