imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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