so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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