everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize