so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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