When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
