I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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