I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize