I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
