Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
