So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
