life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
