OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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