Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i think my cat just said my name.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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