Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
