I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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