Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize