dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
