i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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