I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
