Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
