the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
