your parents love me but you hate me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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