I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
