I wish my penis had an off switch
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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