too bad you live with your parents still
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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