I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
