I wanna bring you to show and tell
actually, I'm a sock model
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
