I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
