I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize