I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
