i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
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