you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
