Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
