Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
