well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
