I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
