1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
