you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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