Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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