i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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