woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
