Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
