That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
