I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
