My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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