Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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