all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
