she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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