Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize