I am midnight drunk by noon
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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