How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
